Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"A life lesson that was not wasted on me"

This has been such an issue for me. Control. I shared in an earlier post that for many years I tried to eliminate or "control" all of the risk out of my life. (That didn't work, by the way and also didn't make for a very fulfilling/purpose filled life.)

Sorry to those of you that might follow my blog, but I will quote Beth Moore quite a bit. I heard Beth speak a very strong word on this once. "ALL STRESS IS ROOTED IN A DESIRE TO CONTROL."

That statement hit me right between the eyes....because I clung to what I thought was control over my life.....control over relationships....control over circumstances....control over children.....control over my health. CONTROL.

And knowing how deeply I held that belief, God -- in His wisdom and in His grace, allowed something into my life to loosen the hold this lie had on me. Big, fat, ugly, indiscriminate, merciless CANCER.

About this time six years ago, I was in and out of my doctor's office getting to the root of some health issues. When the diagnosis finally came, it was Endometrial Stromal Sarcoma. A very rare cancer that only 600 women in the US get every year. The good news. It won't kill me, most likely. It's slow moving. Low-grade. The bad news. It has a strong track record for recurrence -- 50% of women diagnosed with this sarcoma, have it come back. It most often comes back 5-10- even 20 years after the original diagnosis. I'll have scans and chest x-rays every year for the rest of my life to watch for it.

I just think it's so interesting that God allowed something like this into my life ((and yes, I believe that anything that comes my way has passed through His hands first)) that would leave this huge element of "uncertainty" hanging over me.....some might even say -- this complete lack of control over my future health....hanging over me.

And no, I did not see it as a gift for several years -- but now I do -- it was a GIFT.

I finally got it through my thick skull that I never had any control over my life. None of us ultimately have any control over our lives. How utterly and completely ridiculous to think that I did. My life is completely in God's hands. He's been so patient with me to see this. It was a gift for me to realize that control is an illusion. Our only certainty in this life is a relationship with Him - complete dependence on Him.

So, when I feel my self getting "stressed" about anything, I remember what stress is rooted in -- a stupid desire to CONTROL.....and, I don't have any, so let's just move on, shall we?

Valuable life lesson -- and it was not wasted on me.

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