The Jumping Off Part

At 27.

I went to the hospital to give birth to my oldest child.

And no.

This is not a blog about birthing.

Read on.

You see....

I took a gigantic jump.

Into the unknown.

I was never.....really ready.... to become a mother.

How can you ever be ready?

It was a jumping off experience from the git go.

I had no idea what to expect.

And no idea....what I was doing.

At all.

Or even if.....I could do the job at all.

Even so.

She was born.

We took her home.

And figured out.

By trial and error.

What to do.

I've spent all these years being a mom.

First to Kate.

And seven years later.

To Taylor.

And.

Yes.

I've definitely grown into the job.

It's been the single most important job of my life.

Important.

Incredibly rewarding.

Satisfying.

Gut wrenching at times.

Difficult....almost always.

I didn't fully realize it then.

How in the world could I?

That one day.

With little warning.

In the blink of an eye.

Yes....it's absolutely true.

That quickly.

I would be here again.

The next jumping off place.

And just like that first day as the labor pain began.

I have no idea what's coming.

It's just as uncertain.

Just as uncharted.

Parenting.

Mothering.

Adult children.

It's so weird.

Before.

Every decision.

Every consideration.

Everything I did.

Centered around them.

Now?

No longer true.

And it really snuck up on me.

I couldn't tell you the day it happened.

If it was the day Kate left for her traveling job in Oregon.

Or when Taylor went to college.

But.

It came.

And my life shifted again.

Now.

Being a mom.

Is more and more about letting go.

Just like the labor pains.

It can't be stopped.

Just like before.

I have no manual.

There's no instructions.

It feels just as foreign and strange as before.

And yes.

I know they still need me.

Taylor will still want me to take care of her when she's sick.

And I'll be the first one Kate calls when she has something important to share.

But it's changing.

And that's okay.

Or.

It will be okay.

Eventually.

Grown children.

Letting go.

Inching up to the edge.

Toes dangling.

The jumping off part.

Here again.