What The Heck Do I Do Now?

I always thought my life was pretty full.

Retirement, however.

Has redefined me.

Whether I expected it to.

Or not.

I could never understand co-workers or friends.

Who CHOSE to work on.

Well into their seventies -- even eighties.

Craziness.

It made no sense.

That would never be me!

I was ready.

My responsibilities were demanding.

I carried them over a very long career.

Work was a BIG part of my day to day life.

And very much.

A big part of my identity.

When I knew the time was right.

I planned for retirement.

I dreamed about retirement.

I could hardly wait for retirement.

And while I have zero regrets about taking that step.

I was totally unprepared for what it would bring.

I'd like to say.

It's been an easy transition.

That I've thrived.

That I've become the best version of myself.

That would not be true.

I reluctantly share.

Admit.

It's been a struggle.

Maybe some of you can relate.

It might be any transition we face as women.

Going from single to married.

Bringing children into the world.

A job change or promotion.

Caring for an aging parent.

Empty nest.   

Divorce.   

Widowhood.  

My retirement came without an instruction book.

The sad thing is.

I didn't think I needed one.

Experts have since told me.

Find a new life rhythm.

Create structure.

Focus on health & exercise.

Volunteer.

Enjoy your grandchildren.

Travel.

I've done all those things.

But, the unsettledness continues.

And I seem no closer to figuring this out.

My passion is restoring old houses.

I love taking something worn down & undesirable.

And turning it into something useful and beautiful.

In the last month.

I searched out a new project.

Another old house.

We've had inspections done.

And estimates gathered.

My husband patiently walked through the process with me.

And then gently asked the question.

What happens when you finish another house?

Will you still feel as lost as you do now?

Fair question.

Wrestling these issues out has not been easy.

I'm finding that God intends for me to walk.

Maybe even crawl through this season.

Everything in me resists that.

Everything in me wants to bolt and run!

Get the answers I need.

And get to the other side.

Clearly.

That's not how it works.

He wants my intentional prayer.

He wants for me to share with Him how I feel.

And trust Him to give the answers I need.

He's also wanting me to be.

Patient.

When all I want to do is just want to is get on with it!

Today.

I'm trying very hard.

To give myself some grace.

As this unfolds.

As I figure out.

Maybe along with some of you.

What the heck do I do now?