A Thousand Pounds of Intimidation

My family had horses when I was growing up.

But.

I never felt at ease around them.

Mostly.

Because of their size.

But also.

Because I never learned how to ride them.

My dad's way of teaching.

Was to put me on a horse.

Slap it on the rump.

Expecting me to be a natural.

Needless to say.

That didn't happen.

It was twenty years later.

Before I got on a horse again.

A similar experience.

My dad booked my brothers & me.

On an overnight horseback trip.

In Wyoming.

What could go wrong?

As you might imagine.

My natural ability to ride.

Had not grown in those twenty years.

Neither had my experience or training.

I was no longer just uneasy.

I was downright scared.

And intimidated.

The horse clearly had me pegged.

Within minutes of the ride.

My horse spooked.

He ran ahead at a full gallop.

Me screaming and hanging on for dear life.

My interest in horses ended that day.

I thought - for good.

Fast forward.

Twenty more years later.

A friendship at church.

Led me to a therapeutic horse program.

"God's Legacy Ranch"

Scott started volunteering and riding about two years ago.

I became more comfortable with feeding and brushing.

I learned about the unique giftedness of horses.

Especially their ability to connect with people.

I learned horses can hear a human heartbeat.

From four feet away.

They can also sense a troubled spirit.

Or a gentle one.

I experienced it for myself last week.

With Radar.

Undergoing treatment for cancer in his nose and eye.

He has his own set of troubles.

But on that particular afternoon.

He willingly ministered to mine.

I went inside the corral.

Slowly walked his way.

Stopped.

Gently reached up to stroke his mane.

And his cheek.

Radar didn't pull away.

I got closer.

Leaned my face close to his.

Whispered in his ear.

"Hey boy."

"You feeling okay?"

"I'm sorry you've had a tough time."

"Good boy."

Radar listened.

And stood completely still.

I leaned in closer.

He did the same.

His face.

Right up against mine.

For what seemed like several minutes.

I soaked in his tenderness.

And his stillness.

And, surprisingly,

His size.

A thousand pound creature.

Who seemed to trust me.

And in return.

I trusted him.

My heart was soothed that afternoon.

I needed it.

Maybe Radar did too.

My spirit was strengthened.

And encouraged.

By a thousand pounds.

Of intimidation.

 

If you'd like more information on "God's Legacy Ranch," follow them on Facebook.  This 501(C)3 organization is located in Honea Path, SC.

What The Heck Do I Do Now?

I always thought my life was pretty full.

Retirement, however.

Has redefined me.

Whether I expected it to.

Or not.

I could never understand co-workers or friends.

Who CHOSE to work on.

Well into their seventies -- even eighties.

Craziness.

It made no sense.

That would never be me!

I was ready.

My responsibilities were demanding.

I carried them over a very long career.

Work was a BIG part of my day to day life.

And very much.

A big part of my identity.

When I knew the time was right.

I planned for retirement.

I dreamed about retirement.

I could hardly wait for retirement.

And while I have zero regrets about taking that step.

I was totally unprepared for what it would bring.

I'd like to say.

It's been an easy transition.

That I've thrived.

That I've become the best version of myself.

That would not be true.

I reluctantly share.

Admit.

It's been a struggle.

Maybe some of you can relate.

It might be any transition we face as women.

Going from single to married.

Bringing children into the world.

A job change or promotion.

Caring for an aging parent.

Empty nest.   

Divorce.   

Widowhood.  

My retirement came without an instruction book.

The sad thing is.

I didn't think I needed one.

Experts have since told me.

Find a new life rhythm.

Create structure.

Focus on health & exercise.

Volunteer.

Enjoy your grandchildren.

Travel.

I've done all those things.

But, the unsettledness continues.

And I seem no closer to figuring this out.

My passion is restoring old houses.

I love taking something worn down & undesirable.

And turning it into something useful and beautiful.

In the last month.

I searched out a new project.

Another old house.

We've had inspections done.

And estimates gathered.

My husband patiently walked through the process with me.

And then gently asked the question.

What happens when you finish another house?

Will you still feel as lost as you do now?

Fair question.

Wrestling these issues out has not been easy.

I'm finding that God intends for me to walk.

Maybe even crawl through this season.

Everything in me resists that.

Everything in me wants to bolt and run!

Get the answers I need.

And get to the other side.

Clearly.

That's not how it works.

He wants my intentional prayer.

He wants for me to share with Him how I feel.

And trust Him to give the answers I need.

He's also wanting me to be.

Patient.

When all I want to do is just want to is get on with it!

Today.

I'm trying very hard.

To give myself some grace.

As this unfolds.

As I figure out.

Maybe along with some of you.

What the heck do I do now?

  

Not So Great at Reflecting

I've been listening to a podcast over the last few weeks.

"The Next Right Thing" by Emily P. Freeman.

I give my oldest daughter credit for the suggestion.

(She likes the acknowledgement.)

Emily's voice is soothing and easy to listen to.

And.

I like her outlook on life.

She said in a recent episode.

(I'm paraphrasing.)

"It's important to reflect on the things that happen to you.

And.

It's in that reflection. 

That you have a better chance of making sense of it.

Consider how it impacted you.

Gain some perspective.

And hopefully.

Through that reflection.

We can learn.

 And move forward."

As the title of this blog suggests.

I've done very little reflecting.

Especially in this last year.

Plenty has happened in my life.

Just as I'm sure it has in yours.

I walked through my dad's terminal illness.

And sat with him as he took his last breath.

Other things don't seem as important.

But they were still my experiences.

Downsizing a lifetime of possessions and moving into a new home.

Beginning retirement.

I see the benefit.

Of not just walking through my life experiences and plowing ahead.

But actually taking the time to think them through.

For me, reflection comes easiest by journaling.

Writing down.

Seeing my words on paper.

Taking some time to consider what happened.

Making sense of it.

When that's possible.

More time reflecting.

That's on my list of things to do.

Battle Worn & In My Pajamas

 Okay.

The title may be a tad bit dramatic.

Still.

I found myself yesterday.

Home.

With a scheduled day off.

A bit.

Battle worn.

And in my pajamas.

All 

day.

I mean.

All day.

Sun up to sundown.

Can anyone else relate?

Now,

before anyone gets overly concerned.

I'm thankful I could take the day.

No responsibilities.

Or children to look after.

Just myself.

I probably needed the day.

To be idle.

And still.

Brought on by a season of life.

Not just unique to me.

The loss of a parent.

Moving.

Ending a long career.

All normal, life happenings.

But none the less.

A season of change and challenge.

Thankfully.

I gave myself some grace.

To sit.

Okay.

It was more like vegetate.

While the world passed me by yesterday.

Inside my house.

Eating only cereal and popsicles.

And dark chocolate.

Binge watching "Alias."

and "Fixer Upper."

But.

Sitting.

Resting.

Regrouping.

Journaling.

Praying.

Considering.

The day was likely coming for a while.

And it was what I needed.

Thankful.

That as a new day dawns.

I'll begin to feel stronger.

And find my way forward.

With His help and direction.

I sense there's a new season on the horizon.

And good that will come.

From where I've been.

And my day in my pajamas.

"When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside,

do not feel upset with yourself.  You are only human,

and the swirl of events going on all around you will 

sometimes feel overwhelming.  Rather than scolding 

yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I

am both with you and within you.  Slow down your

pace of living for a time.....peace be with you."

"Jesus Calling" Sarah Young

 

A Season of Change

 I've always thrived with change.

Most of my life, anyway.

Change has kept me challenged.

On my toes.

Engaged.

It's brought fresh starts.

New ways of looking at things.

Different perspectives.

That kind of change.

But I'm also learning.

There's different kinds of change.

Change that comes from moving on.

Closing one season or chapter of life.

Because it's the right time.

Or just the right thing to do.

My retirement is coming in about five months.

From a place that's brought me great friendships.

And the work is meaningful.

It's exciting.

And a bit terrifying.

But change is coming.

We've also been preparing for a change with where we live.

The choice to move from a big house.

To a smaller one.

Change that comes from simplifying and downsizing.

Letting go of space.

And what's familiar.

Letting go of things.

And where you've invested yourself.

There's that kind of change.

Change can also come from unplanned loss.

I've been learning about that too.

I lost my dad a few weeks ago.

My brothers and I walked through a short,

but terminal illness with him.

With hardly time to take it in.

The change of losing a parent.

Has shifted everything.

 In an unexpected way.

Ways I'm just beginning to see.

So.

Today.

With all the change around me.

Some brought on by my own devises.

Or timing.

Some not welcomed at all.

I step back.

Take some time off.

To work in my garden.

Talk to my mom.

Write.

Pray.

Get on the floor for yoga.

And stretching.

Maybe take a nap.

Love on my cats.

Slow down the day.

And the pace of things.

To be good to myself.

And take in.

This season of change.

"If He gave us no rough roads to walk, no mountains to climb and no battles to fight, we would not grow. He does not leave us alone with our challenges, however.  Instead he stands beside us, teaches us & strengthens us to face them."

(Read in my study notes from Psalm 18 this morning.)

Embracing the Sheep in Me

This is so me.

I've made a strong.

Personal connection to these faces.

And this creature.

I am so --- a sheep.

Especially when it comes to my faith.

A friend planted the idea in my mind a few weeks ago.

She heard a teacher describing our close connection to sheep.

As followers of Jesus.

I connected instantly to the comparison.

Because.

In my faith.

I've been.

Indecisive.

Helpless.

I've been frightened easily.

I've been.

Romantic.

Irresponsible.

Passive.

Emotional.

With no sense of direction.

Maybe not all the time.

But more times than I'd care to admit.

When it comes to spiritual matters.

I learned that sheep will often settle for less.

When they are thirsty.

They'll stop to drink from a dirty puddle right in front of them.

Instead of drinking from still waters.

Twenty feet ahead.

During this pandemic.

I've sorely missed fellowship.

And relationships outside of my workplace and my immediate family.

I've felt more vulnerable.

And more isolated.

As I've looked at this comparison more.

I learned something interesting.

Just about all domesticated animals.

Can be returned to the wild.

And have a decent chance of surviving.

But, not a sheep.

Without a shepherd,

Sheep are in trouble.

Easy prey.

They can't defend themselves very easily.

But.

They have a remarkable instinct.

For knowing the voice of the shepherd.

"I am the good shepherd.

The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

The hired hand is not the shepherd.

And does not own the sheep.

So when he sees the wolf coming,

he abandons the sheep and runs away.

Then the wolf attacks the flock.

And scatters it.

The man runs away.

Because he is a hired hand.

And cares nothing for the sheep.

I am the good shepherd;

I know my sheep.

And my sheep know me -

just as the Father knows me

And I know the Father -

And l lay down my life for the sheep."    John 10: 11-15

So.

I'm trying to embrace.

The sheep in me.

Glancing Forward

It's been months now since I've written.

I've heard that creativity is one of the first things to go.

During seasons of stress.

And responsibility.

That's been so true for me these last months..

Maybe for you as well.

But.

I read something recently that I loved.

It came from my study notes in the book of Hebrews.


During a time when the rug has been pulled out from under

life as we know it -

It was simple.

And spoke to me.

"Love your family,

Your spouse

Your job

And your church,

but set your sights beyond the horizon.

You are an activist,

Invested in witnessing to a needy world,

but take frequent glances 

toward a promised community still to come.

You're a gardener,

And a builder,

shaping environments,

turning weeds into something beautiful,

painting

and patching

and clearing -

but,

you know God is building something 

far more beautiful

and breathtaking

just for you."

Thankful to be walking through

Not taking up permanent residence in this world.

Thankful for the future He has promised me.