House Hunting Obsession

I have totally no excuse for this.

For the last month or so, I have been......what I can only describe.........as totally out-of-control
.......with a house hunting obsession!

If I've been in front of a computer at home.....I've been searching.

Lakelandsbyowner.com.

Forsalebyowner.com

And multiple real estate websites.

I've driven into neighborhoods I've never ventured into before.

And onto streets I've never seen.

Watching street corners for any evidence of the treasured "For Sale" sign!

Totally out of control.

Here's the thing.

We've only recently paid off our mortgage.

Which is a phenomenal blessing, right??

But....

You would think that someone had lit a

F*I*R*E

under me to go and search for another place.

It makes no sense.

I have no explanation.

I don't even understand it!

And the thing is.

I love my house.

It's cozy and friendly.

Not too big.

Not too small.

We've invested  MANY hours

....updating our kitchen and bathrooms.

Painting walls.     Changing light fixtures.  

Screening in our back porch.

Putting our personal "stamp" on everything.

I have all my favorite colors in this house.

Celery green.     

Terracotta.     

Cappuccino.     

Mustard.

And all my favorite things.

Art.   Books.   Vintage Clocks.   Bead board.

Pillows.      Baskets.       Sea Shells.      Plants.

Antique pieces.     Africa carvings.

Candles.    Pier One "green apples" in a bowl.

It's totally adorable.    To me.

But for some reason.

I've been on the hunt.

And what I've concluded today.

After God has patiently closed EVERY single door.

To each serious (okay.......somewhat serious) inquiry with a realtor.

What I got from Him in return was......"no.....not yet."

To be perfectly honest.

I've had that sense for a while.

But I didn't want to listen.

It was too much fun looking.

So I did.

And yesterday,  I arranged to see another house.

Today.

And then I woke up this morning.

And had my coffee.

And my time with Him.

And He got a little more pointed with me.

I'm reading in Genesis.    Chapter 3.

And it just so happens, I'm reading about the temptation faced by Adam & Eve.

My study notes read:

"are you struggling with temptation because you have not learned that looking
 is the first step toward sin."

Okie Dokie.   

(Yes, He gets ALL UP in my business sometimes!)

And while there's nothing wrong with house hunting, it became wrong for me.
Because I knew He provided me with the blessing of a paid for house.
But instead of focusing on the blessing, I immediately looked for what was next.
I felt Him say to me.
You might find something very nice.
But I want to give you something infinitely more valuable.

And, sorry.

It's just hard to argue with that.

So, today.

In a moment of strength.

I enlisted my husband to call me out.

To speak truth to me in no uncertain terms.

No more house hunting.

For now, anyway.

And nothing like putting it in a blog before my readers.

For complete accountability!

Hmmmm.

I may regret this.     But there it is.

And the 1:00 house showing appointment I set up for today.

Big surprise.

The realtor forgot the appointment and didn't show up.

Door Closed.

And He whispered over me with such patience......told you.

home sweet home ♥

Wimpy Females

I'm not a fan of wimpy females.

I'm sure God knew that.

Which explains why He didn't allow me to be born in a different generation.

When women were not encouraged to go to college.

Or allowed to vote.

Or work outside the home.

I'm pretty sure I would have rebelled against that.

I grew up in a very traditional home.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom.

Married at 18.

Dedicated to raising her four children.

I was the only girl with......three brothers.

Scott, Greg & Shawn.

I grew up right in the middle (one older - two younger).

And......I got no special treatment.

On any given weekend, there was usually a football game in our front yard.

I fought with my brothers.

(and quickly learned who would punch back and who wouldn't.)

My brother, Scott......did.

I rode motorcycles with them.

I played football with them.

I rode go carts with them.

I killed them at leg wrestling.

Yes!  killed them at Indian leg wrestling!

They were 200 lb football players in high school....

and I could flip them on their head ALL day long!

Still a touchy subject today.   (smile.)

My brother's friends were my friends.

And I generally wasn't impressed......with guys as a whole.

After all......they were like my brothers.

Enough said.

At our house.

Unless you were bleeding.....a lot......whining was not tolerated.

I come from a family where casts on your arm or leg were usually cut off and discarded.

Not by the doctor, but by the one wearing it.

My dad and my brothers routinely "out ran" the law.

Highway patrolmen, that is.

Yes, they did.

On the country road where I grew up.

and I thought that was....... normal.

Growing up, my dad never knew what to do with me.

So he didn't.    Raise me any differently, that is.

The first time he put me on a horse.

He put me on the tallest horse around.

And sent me down a winding, steep trail.....alone.

When he "taught" me how to swim in the river.

He picked me up and tossed me into the deep end.

I'm sure he would have tried to save me if I didn't come back up.

At least, I think he would have.

Oh.....and when I learned to drive a car.

He sent me to the top of Caesar's Head mountain.

In a manual transmission VW.

Yeah, I got no special treatment.

It's no wonder.

That I'm not a fan of wimpy females.

I first notice them flocking around my brothers.

ooohhing and awwhhhing over them in middle school & high school.

Silly.   Flirty.   Prissy girls.

Seriously!?!?!

I had no respect for them.

They were wimpy to me.

Without backbone or grit.

I laugh at that now, but I'm not all that different today.

I admire strength and courage in women.

I relate to women with a streak of independence.

A woman who can change a tire.

and knows how to check the oil in her car.

I like a woman who can speak intelligently about football.

And baseball.

Who knows the difference between a third down conversion.

And a triple play.

A woman who's not afraid to break a sweat at the gym.

And can actually go out in public without makeup.

I appreciate a woman who refuses to cry and plead when pulled over for a ticket.

Who speaks up and stands up for herself.

I admire a woman who can eat alone at a restaurant.

And can get a fire started at a campsite.

Who loves to shop at Lowe's.

And knows how to shoot a gun.

And is not afraid to hold a snake.

I like a woman who can drive a pick up truck.

And carry her own luggage.

Yeah.    It's no wonder I turned out this way.

No wonder at all.

It's a tough world to be a woman.

We do have to have guts.

To raise our children.

And pray big prayers over them.

To love our husbands and grow in our marriages.

To balance..........so many demands and responsibilities.

This life is not for wimps.

Especially if you're a woman.

Because God does have something planned for you.

And me.

And whatever He has planned.

It will take guts.

And it will take courage.

And a little "woman up" attitude may be required.

And wimpy females?

Hmmmm.

Nope.  

I haven't changed my mind.

(L-R)  Youngest brother, Shawn, Me, Dad, Oldest brother Scott & Middle Brother, Greg.)

Cancer & Me

My phone rang seven years ago this month.

And things changed.


"You have a soft tissue tumor.
We think it might be a rare sarcoma.
There's only 700 cases diagnosed every year in the U.S & Europe.
We'll know for sure after surgery..."


I was stunned.  

At 46, it was not what I expected.

Endometrial Stromal Sarcoma.  


I can say with certainty.

It changed the direction of my life forever.



There was my life before cancer.

And.

There is my life after cancer.


And the "before" and "after" don't resemble a whole lot.

Before cancer, my life was very small in comparison.

Small because I worked very hard to manage the risks out of it.

And a risk-free life brings its own consequences.

I depended on myself.

I made my own decisions.

I guided my own path.

I valued my independence.

And I honestly believed the lie that I had control.

Over my life.

My career.

My circumstances.

My future.


But, cancer came.

And the breaking process was officially underway.


That's what I call it.

Cancer has broken me of many things.

None, very pretty.

Pride.

Self-sufficiency.

Independence.

Control.


I have no problem now admitting.

It was one of the most important things that ever happened to me.

And while it may sound strange to say.

It was a gift to me.


I know it can be very different for others.
Devastating.
Cruel.
Indiscriminate.
Relentless
Heartbreaking.

I know that's true for many.


But for me.
Seven years later.

I know now.
It was just the starting place.

Of living the life Jesus always wanted for me.

Full.

Abundant.

Messy.

Uneasy.

Uncomfortable.

Dependent on Him.



Now, I'm taking each day.

And while I know I don't always get it right.

And many times I feel that temptation to "waller" (as we say where I come from.)

With control again.

For the most part.

I'm leaning in on Jesus.

I'm depending on Him.

I'm trusting Him.

With my future.

With my check-ups.

With my yearly scans and chest x-rays that watch for it's return.

With the ridiculous control I always thought I had.


It's so interesting to me.

That this person.

Me.

Who had such an issue with control.

Ended up with a cancer with a strong tendency to recur.

Often and typically years after the diagnosis.

So, it's always "out there."

And because it's always "out there."

That uncertainty.

I have to let it be.

and let it go.

And trust Him with it.

I can't get too comfortable.

Or too self-reliant.

And I really don't mind.

Not now, anyway.

I'm walking forward and celebrating this year's anniversary.

Seven years.

Cancer & me.


"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!"  My future is in your hands. 
Psalm 31: 14-15.

The Boundaries of Today

I'm learning a hard concept.

Living in today.

For as long as I can remember,

I've been taught.

Trained.

Encouraged.

to focus on what's ahead.

The future.

What's coming up on my calendar.

Or what I need to accomplish by the end of the year.

The plans for a trip in a few months.

Or wondering what my life will look like.

This summer.

Now that my youngest is home from college.

Planning for the future.

Saving up for a rainy day.

At work, it might be establishing a 5 year plan.

Or worse yet, a 10 year plan.

Not terrible things necessarily.

But.

It's still the practice of always looking.

Down the road.

And focusing much less.

At least I do.

On what's going on today.

Where my faith is concerned.

God wants relationship with me in today.

"You must discipline yourself 
to live within 
the boundaries 
of today.
It is in 
the present moment 
that 
I 
walk 
close to you..."  *

And while I believe He's in my future.

The relationship He wants with me.

 It's in today.

When I'm really focusing on today.

Not tomorrow's meeting.

Or what's coming up later in the week.

Just today.

I notice more things.

I pay more attention to the people around me.

And to the circumstances that come my way.

I'm more focused on my moments.

And noticing how He's at work around me.

It's a change in thinking for me.

Living
within
the boundaries.

of today.

* Sarah Young, "Jesus Calling"     

Artwork is "Facing the Sun" by Jimmy Lawlor

Trouble

We all have times of trouble.

Yes?

A few months ago, I would have told you that truck loads of blessings

were being dumped on my life.

And, trust me.

I know that's a fortunate season of time when it comes.

I recognized it.    I appreciated it.    I enjoyed every moment of it.

And.........

I kept one eye slightly squinted, waiting on what I knew would also come.

Eventually, it always does.

Trouble.

That's just part of living.

I've often struggled with what the bible teaches about trouble.

That we should be thankful in times of trouble.

That's been hard for me to do.

I do get the reason behind it.

Trouble causes me to realize my need for Jesus.

There's nothing like a big dose of trouble to push me closer to Him.

So.......I'm visual.

And when I came across this passage in my devotional recently
about trouble, I pictured it as I read:

"  If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, 
your response to that situation
will take you either up or down.

You can lash out at the difficulty,
resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself.
This will take you into a pit of self pity.

Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder,
enabling you to climb up and see your life
from My perspective.

Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you
is only a 

light 


and 


momentary 


trouble.

Once your perspective has been heightened,
you can look away from the problem altogether.

Turn toward Me, 
and see the light of my presence shining upon you."

April 26  "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.

So......in my mind,
I climbed the ladder of my trouble.
I tried viewing it from His perspective.

And, it's true.
Whether trouble.
hardship.
or trial.
From that perspective.
it improves.


"for our present troubles are small and won't last very long.
yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.
so don't look at the troubles we can see now;
rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.
for the things we see now will soon be gone,
but the things we cannot see will last forever."   2 Corinthians 5: 17-18.

Me as an old woman

I'm beginning to wonder what I might be like as an old woman.

With more years behind me, than I do in front of me.
I've started thinking about it more.

Me....as an old woman.

What will that look like?



I decided, this is the old woman I want to be.

She captures what I desire to be.

Completely.

A natural......pleasing...... "joyful"...... face.



I'd like to have the spunk of Jessica Tandy.

and the wisdom and story telling gift of Maya Angelou.

When I think of me as and old woman,

one part of me wants to wear aprons and raise chickens.

and live in an old farmhouse with a tin roof........ and big front porch.

and visit with my girls and my friends over morning coffee and bare feet.

and enjoy quiet afternoons over a cup of tea and a book.

My mode of transportation?  

Definitely an old  pick up truck...

and a wide seat bike :)

When I think of me as an old woman,

I'd want my eyes to show the love I've seen.

And my face to reveal the smiles I've made.

When I think of me as an old woman, 

I'll still work to stay in shape.

Still walk.....

Still create.....

Still live out my faith.

When I think of me as an old woman,



I'll still be wearing bright colors...

And a scarf with everything.

I'll be the cool "beebee" that my grandchildren always want to come and see.

Surrounded by a cat or two or three.

When I think of me as an old woman,

I hope to still be journeying to Africa.

Drawn to the people and the land.

But always ready to come back home........to a gaggle of critters waiting for me.

and the love of my man to comfort me.


That's what I think of.

When I think about me as an old woman.

Encounters with the Enemy

Scripture tells us that the enemy's purpose is to "steal, kill and destroy."
John 10:10.

It's easy to look around everyday and see evidence of evil in our world.
The bombings in Boston.    Sex trafficking.     Genocide.     Abuse.

This world can be a very dark place.

While the enemy clearly works in the "bigger" picture of our society,
I also see evidence that he's at work in a much closer and more personal way
-in and around my life.


I've seen him tear apart the families of people I care about.

I've seen him in the drug and alcohol addictions that rob my friends and
loved ones of their lives.

I've seen him steal peace, promote bitterness,  ignite fear and instill insecurities.

When I see prejudice, I see him.  

When I see cheating and infidelity, I see him.

When I see suffering and abuse and neglect, I see him.

Scripture says "Watch out for your great enemy, the devil.  He prowls around,
like a lion, looking for someone to devour."   1 Peter 5: 8


That's one of the things I ask God to give me -- the ability to recognize the enemy
when he's coming against me.

And the thing I learned a while back?

He knows where I'm vulnerable.

He knows where I'm weak.......and it's there, he attacks.

He whispers doubt over me.

"will God really protect your children?"

"can you really trust Jesus?"

"do you think He really hears your prayers?"


He speaks discouragement over me.

"you're not smart enough"

"why do you even try?"

"what do you have to offer anybody?"


He whispers fear over me.

"you're going to lose that loved one."

"your cancer will come back....it's just a matter of time."

"you will fail."


That's how the enemy comes against me.

But.    And I say this cautiously.  God is helping me to recognize the enemy
when he speaks these things over my life.

I've asked Him to give me that discernment.

1 Peter 5: 9   reminds me to "Stand firm against the enemy, and be strong
in your faith."

When I recognize the doubt, the discouragement or the fear, I call it out for
what it is and I ask God to help me.

The enemy would have me believe that God is not trustworthy - and that
the life  He wants for me can't be as good as the life I might live apart from Him.

The verse I hang onto is from Jeremiah 29:11:

"for I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for 
good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.   In those days 
when you pray, I will listen.   If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will 
find me."

All I have to do is keep looking to Him.

And when doubt, discouragement and fear are spoken over me.

I will find Him.

If you're hearing that doubt, that discouragement and fear spoken over your
life,  call it out for what it is.

And look to Him.

"I will be found by you," says the Lord.

We will find Him.